15 things they don't tell you about child birth.

I've seen A LOT of blog posts recently about childbirth and what they don't tell you, etc...all of them that I've read so far are all about natural child birth, none about c-section births soooo here's my graphic and slightly horrifying list of things I didn't know prior to giving birth but learned VERY quickly.

1. Just forget about dignity. Seriously...it's gone. Every man, woman, child, AND their dog will be "checking" on you downstairs while you're in labor. Checking to see how far you're dilated, etc.... Also after you've been sliced and diced you can't do anything yourself...really. You can't even stand that first time on your own, if you try you will get dizzy and faint (trust me). You can't use the bathroom, the nurse helps you and she keeps saying things like, "Don't worry, I do this all the time. Here let me help you. Here just spread 'em and I'll squirt for you." You know, comforting things like that coming from a stranger. Oh also, you can't shower alone...forget it. If you don't have an outrageously awesome husband, like me, that same nurse will be bathing you because you can't bend over. She has to wash anything and everything that will require you to stretch any of those muscles that have just been sliced through.

2. So.Much.Blood. Okay, I know this one is common, the whole on your period for 6 weeks thing...Um so I don't know what kind of period most people have but it was NOTHING like the bleeding for 6 weeks. Seriously, I've never had the kindest periods but uh those 6 weeks were brutal...just brutal.

3. Constipation nation. Yes, for some reason have your entire abdomen sliced open and a child pulled from your womb disrupts the intestinal flow...weird, right? It's horrible-just a head's up...take some stool softener with you in the hospital bag.

4. Pampered to DEATH. I hate being pampered and attended to. Quite honestly I HATE attention. My wedding day was both the best and worst day ever. Best for obvious reasons, worst because EVERY BODY WATCHES YOU...kind of the point of a wedding, I get it; but I digress. So you don't order for yourself, you don't use the bathroom yourself, you don't shower yourself, you don't do your hair by yourself, you don't sleep without being watched, you can't even walk-you're pushed in a wheelchair. So I mean, if you like being treated like a 4 year old then C-section is definitely the way to go. ;)

5. Lack of sleep is NOT because of your newborn. Okay so if you want me to sleep (they do) then leave me alooooone. My son's birth was not the easiest, I've written about it before, but seriously? This: "Get some sleep, mommy." translates to this: "I'm going to come in every 1-3 hours and poke you with a needle, give you medicine, take your blood pressure, and tell you that you need to drink some more water...and get some sleep." This happens BEFORE childbirth. When you go in and you've been induced they do the same thing except that in addition to everything they're doing to you throughout the night they're also checking to see if you've dilated any further....yeah you try to fall right asleep after that....I.don't.think.so.

6. Just don't bother bringing your underwear. Seriously. Just don't. They're no good. I was all a twitter about Michael's arrival. I went out and bought cute (and comfy) stretchy boy short undies. Didn't.use.a.single.pair. No I somehow, seriously, I don't know how they got them on me because I was drugged up and passed out, ended up wearing these ugly undies made of....gauze I think. They're horribly ugly, they're only good for one wear because they stretch out but...I believe that they are God's gift to women who've had c-sections. I realized that the underwear that I had brought, though comfy and stretchy, hit me right where they had cut into me. They gauze underwear, if you can even call them underwear, were amazing.

7. Stock up on those ridiculous pads. So I'm one of those people who gets embarrassed when my husband asks the restaurant if he can use an expired coupon or he asks for discounts or lower rates or whatever it is where ever we are. But when I was at the hospital they have these pads that are...military grade or something....When I look back I seem to remember them going from like mid-spine to my belly button (that's an exaggeration) but really, they were awesome. I asked the nurses for extras and I would just stock pile them because they were great. When I finally did run out I had to send Russell to several stores looking for the "biggest, ugliest, granny pads you can find." And he came through...

8. Your hormones are WHACK. You thought you were cray cray when you were pregnant. No girl, pregnant hormone don't have anything on postpartum hormones. You are crazy...and you have hot flashes. My hair was so oily I wanted to just die for like....2 weeks because it didn't matter what shampoo or conditioner I used, I was producing enough oil to rival the middle east. And I cried about it. I CRIED ABOUT HAVING GREASY HAIR. Hormones, y'all.

9. Swollen legs ain't just for pregnant chicks. My legs were so swollen it hurt to walk (which was good I guess since I wasn't supposed to walk.) But really, it hurt just laying in my bed. I called my doctor, frantic, and told him. He told me it was normal and that it would pass. It did but oooooooh my gosh was it painful (and horrifying to look at.)

10. When your milk comes in. You will most definitely feel like a cow...and you'll probably cuss about it. I can still vividly remember standing in front of the mirror after I got out of the shower. I kept drying off and couldn't figure out why I was still all wet....hint: it wasn't water that was pouring out of me-the milk had finally arrived about 4 or 5 days after Michael was born. I sent Russell to the house several times during those two weeks to wash and bring back t-shirts that had milk rings on them. No thanks.

11. Pumping is your friend. Seriously....pump. I looked forward to the hour when I could pump (you have to wait a few hours so you don't dry yourself out.) Your boobs hurt....like, painful crying hurt. Pumping was SUCH a relief and I loved it...most of the time which brings us to number 12....

12. Cracked boobs. If you breast feed they crack...oh and they bleed. OH and every time your kid latches on you kind of hate them for a split second because it hurts so bad. I remember one night I was feeding Michael and bawling my eyes out because my boobs were hurting and the nurse was like, "Why don't you just use some lanolin?" LANOLIN. OH MY GOSH. BEST INVENTION EVER. It definitely rivals the gauze undies. Use it. Love it. Don't hate your kid.

13. Paranoid. Whilst in the hospital you will feel SO PARANOID, at least for your first kid...I only have one so I can't comment on having more than one. I felt like I was being watched all the time, which is kind of true. But I felt like they were watching me waiting for me to do something wrong. They weren't, I don't think, but still....freaked me out.

14. Showers are terrifying. After you're home, showering is terrifying. Every other second you're sure that your child is screaming or dying or something. But please, for your own sanity and your husband's nose, shower. I wore/wear yoga pants several days a week and t-shirts but hey, I have showered. I have taken care of one of my basic needs.

15.Post-hospital exhaustion. After you get home, the adrenalin starts to wear off...and you feel pretty alone. There aren't nurses buzzing in and out talking to you, there isn't anyone who delivers your food for you. It's odd...and quiet...and awesome. But you are so exhausted but it's okay because your baby pretty much sleeps 20 hours a day.

So there's my 15 things that I thought you all should know about having a baby. Sorry for the graphic nature but seriously...these things are important.